Nobody asked me, but... why the hell can't Helen Clark just shut up, butt out and stay away?
The wicked witch of Mt Albert recently flew back into NZ - on her UN-supplied broomstick no doubt - from her cushy number in New York. She then preceded to immediately hit the airwaves and newspapers to give us all her thoughts on everything from Radio New Zealand to mining on public land.
It appears Helen has still not come to terms with the fact that New Zealanders voted her out of office 18 months ago. In fact, not long after the election that little dweeb Peter Davis - euphemistically described as Clark's husband - whose only use appeared to be carrying her handbag around while she was PM and who (surprise, surprise 0 not!)stayed back in Auckland after she went to New York to run the world - admitted that Helen was upset and astounded that voters had rejected her. And going by her recent form, it appears the arrogant she devil is still suffering from a bad case of PERDS - Post Election Rejection Disbelief Syndrome.
Helen Clark broke with convention on her latest visit back to New Zealand by criticising two aspects of Government policy, the prospect of mining on conservation land and Radio New Zealand being forced to live within its budget.
Clark really put the boot into the prospect of mining DOC land. Saying that "some things are more important than money."
It is a long held convention that retired former PMs - and former deputies and finance ministers for that matter - refuse to get involved in political debates of the day.
Can anyone remember Jim Bolger or Jenny Shipley commenting on politics or the way New Zealand was being run while Clark was in charge? No. I guess this is proof why Shipley is now known as Dame Jenny and Clark is plain old Helen - a lack of class on the latter's part.
Defenders of Clark will claim she always had strong opinions. True. But could they imagine her tolerating criticism of her Government's policies by say Jim Bolger who she had allowed to stay on as US Ambassador? Yet, she relied on the grace and support of John key and the National-led Government to secure her job at the UN and pays them back by dishing out her post-politics view of how NZ should be run.
Sorry Helen, but you are just a very poor and sore loser. You should take on board the mantra of your former deputy Michael Cullen. Another former Labourite who has also benefitted from the support of National to secure post retirement income via his role at NZ Post, but has had the grace to remain silent on domestic political matters since. 'They won, you lost - eat that!'
Perhaps the next time Clark jets into NZ and starts offering her views on the world it would be appropriate for John Key and his Cabinet to start humming Elton John's famous tune - The Bitch is Back!
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
Govt set sights on luvvies' most sacred cow
Nobody asked me, but... why are all the luvvies getting their collective knickers in a knot over Government demands that Radio New Zealand learn to live within its means?
You could be forgiven for thinking that Broadcasting Minister Jonathan Coleman had actually pulled the plug on the public broadcaster, rather than merely asking its managers for a range of longer-term options on how it will meet the challenge to remain a high-quality service in the face of rising costs and a frozen budget in the foreseeable future.
One would have thought this was a pretty reasonable and rational request. Especially given the fact Radio New Zealand relies solely on the generosity of taxpayers to function, the world is in the midst of a deep recession, the Government is borrowing around $1 billion a month to keep NZ Inc afloat and the rest of the public service - ie police, schools, hospitals et el - have all been given the same message of cutting their cloth to fit the extraordinary tough financial times the country is currently facing.
Instead, the National Radio luvvies - a snobbier, bunch of pompous and pretentious types you will ever come across - are running around doing their Chicken Little impersonations and claiming the sky is falling and the fat, sacred cow called National Radio is about to be slaughtered.
Speaking of cows - sacred or not - even former Prime Minister Helen Clark has waded into the debate over the future of Radio NZ, saying it is an important service that provides in-depth and specialised reporting.
"I'm a great believer in public radio," Helen Clark said in a brief visit to Wellington.
For me this woman is the epitome of a RNZ luvvie and enough reason alone to can National Radio! But I digress.
Here are some facts.
Radio New Zealand's budget last year was $38.2 million, $34.2 million of which was public money, which it uses to run national Radio and Concert FM.
Radio NZ board chairwoman Christine Grice has downplayed any perceived friction between the board and the minister. She is confident of meeting Government expectations without compromising standards.
Ms Grice said there had been no interference from Dr Coleman, nor had there been any direct threats to remove the board.
"Radio NZ has to live within its means and there is absolutely no question about that."
Some of the options Radio NZ is considering to save money or increase revenue:
* Moving the service to an AM frequency in parts of the country.
* Slashing the advertising budget.
* Not sending reporters to cover the Commonwealth Games in India this year.
* Limiting coverage of music/arts.
* Dropping plans to open a regional office in Gisborne or closing the Palmerston North branch.
* Switching off National Radio between midnight and 6am.
* Commercial sponsorship for Concert FM and other programmes.
* More repeat content.
* Shifting out of the Auckland premises.
* Dropping its internal audit.
In the perfect world while none of these options would be ideal, but it is not a perfect world at present.
One question I have to ask is why is a non commercial entity like RNZ spending $200,000 a year on promoting itself via advertising? Surely this is just one area that could be cut back in difficult economic times!
Are the National Radio luvvies so caught up in their own self-importance and demands that all taxpayers fund their choice of radio station, that they have missed the fact that the Government is borrowing $1 billion a month just to keep the country going. That essential services such as schools, hospitals and the police have all being told there will be no increases in budgets this year either?
But it is only $38 million a year the luvvies claim and this is small fry in relation to total Government spending. I agree. However,reductions and budget freezes have to to be made across all areas of Government spending - RNZ should not be exempt.
Are these people so arrogant and selfish that they believe RNZ's funding is more important than educating our kids, operating on our old people, or having enough police to protect our citizens from crime?
I am sure if any one of these things were to happen to a RNZ luvvie or one of their family, they would be first people complaining about the terrible state of affairs.
But then I guess the luvvies will be able to take comfort by tuning into their favourite sacred cow - either National Radio or Concert FM - and get lost in their own smug, self important, I am better-than-you planet they all currently inhabit.
You could be forgiven for thinking that Broadcasting Minister Jonathan Coleman had actually pulled the plug on the public broadcaster, rather than merely asking its managers for a range of longer-term options on how it will meet the challenge to remain a high-quality service in the face of rising costs and a frozen budget in the foreseeable future.
One would have thought this was a pretty reasonable and rational request. Especially given the fact Radio New Zealand relies solely on the generosity of taxpayers to function, the world is in the midst of a deep recession, the Government is borrowing around $1 billion a month to keep NZ Inc afloat and the rest of the public service - ie police, schools, hospitals et el - have all been given the same message of cutting their cloth to fit the extraordinary tough financial times the country is currently facing.
Instead, the National Radio luvvies - a snobbier, bunch of pompous and pretentious types you will ever come across - are running around doing their Chicken Little impersonations and claiming the sky is falling and the fat, sacred cow called National Radio is about to be slaughtered.
Speaking of cows - sacred or not - even former Prime Minister Helen Clark has waded into the debate over the future of Radio NZ, saying it is an important service that provides in-depth and specialised reporting.
"I'm a great believer in public radio," Helen Clark said in a brief visit to Wellington.
For me this woman is the epitome of a RNZ luvvie and enough reason alone to can National Radio! But I digress.
Here are some facts.
Radio New Zealand's budget last year was $38.2 million, $34.2 million of which was public money, which it uses to run national Radio and Concert FM.
Radio NZ board chairwoman Christine Grice has downplayed any perceived friction between the board and the minister. She is confident of meeting Government expectations without compromising standards.
Ms Grice said there had been no interference from Dr Coleman, nor had there been any direct threats to remove the board.
"Radio NZ has to live within its means and there is absolutely no question about that."
Some of the options Radio NZ is considering to save money or increase revenue:
* Moving the service to an AM frequency in parts of the country.
* Slashing the advertising budget.
* Not sending reporters to cover the Commonwealth Games in India this year.
* Limiting coverage of music/arts.
* Dropping plans to open a regional office in Gisborne or closing the Palmerston North branch.
* Switching off National Radio between midnight and 6am.
* Commercial sponsorship for Concert FM and other programmes.
* More repeat content.
* Shifting out of the Auckland premises.
* Dropping its internal audit.
In the perfect world while none of these options would be ideal, but it is not a perfect world at present.
One question I have to ask is why is a non commercial entity like RNZ spending $200,000 a year on promoting itself via advertising? Surely this is just one area that could be cut back in difficult economic times!
Are the National Radio luvvies so caught up in their own self-importance and demands that all taxpayers fund their choice of radio station, that they have missed the fact that the Government is borrowing $1 billion a month just to keep the country going. That essential services such as schools, hospitals and the police have all being told there will be no increases in budgets this year either?
But it is only $38 million a year the luvvies claim and this is small fry in relation to total Government spending. I agree. However,reductions and budget freezes have to to be made across all areas of Government spending - RNZ should not be exempt.
Are these people so arrogant and selfish that they believe RNZ's funding is more important than educating our kids, operating on our old people, or having enough police to protect our citizens from crime?
I am sure if any one of these things were to happen to a RNZ luvvie or one of their family, they would be first people complaining about the terrible state of affairs.
But then I guess the luvvies will be able to take comfort by tuning into their favourite sacred cow - either National Radio or Concert FM - and get lost in their own smug, self important, I am better-than-you planet they all currently inhabit.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Are we getting too complacent about crime?
Nobody asked me, but... are we as a country getting complacent about crime in New Zealand?
Every day there seems to be another report of a vicious, unprovoked murder or similar, senseless heinous act somewhere in the country. Yet while some people do express outrage, the vast majority of us appear to shrug our collective shoulders and carry on - apparently accepting this as a normal part of everyday life in New Zealand.
Just this week we have seen the murder of young Christchurch mother and the court case up north where a 15 year-old boy is on trial for murdering a 15-year old girl. Over the last few years, the likes of Graham Burton, William Bell, Antoine Dixon and Clayton Weatherston have gained infamy and notoriety as callous, ruthless killers. Yet, they are just four names from a long and depressing list of murderers who fill our prisons up and down the country.
We may tut-tut and feign mock disgust with our neighbours and friends at how these scumbags could do such horrible things.
While for all intense purposes most of New Zealand has become so accustomed to horrific crime that we are no longer shockable. Yet while this appears to be the case in our bigger cities, not is all lost.
It is nice to know that in some parts of New Zealand petty crime is seen as so unacceptable that it makes the local paper. I was scanning the internet the other day and came across the online version of my old hometown newspaper the Timaru Herald. I was somewhat amused by, but also heartened to see, the paper had printed a police notebook with incidents reported to police in Timaru during the weekend of 12 - 14 February 2010. Some of these included:
Friday 12
- A 16-year-old Timaru girl has been referred to Youth Aid after allegedly stealing a set of false eyelashes from Farmers in Stafford St.
- A 33-year-old Timaru man was arrested for breaching the liquor ban on Stafford St.
- A 30-year-old Timaru man was arrested for assault outside a drinking establishment in town after accosting a bouncer.
Saturday
- A 38-year-old Timaru man was arrested for intoxication outside a property on Angland Ave. He may also face possible possession of cannabis charges.
- Police are making inquiries after two men were spotted trying to steal a licence plate from a car.
- There was a burglary in Sefton St, with a guitar worth $3500 stolen.
Sunday
- A 20-year-old Timaru man was arrested for offensive behaviour.
- A vehicle parked in Harper St was damaged overnight.
- A 13-year-old Timaru boy was referred to Youth Aid after a shoplifting incident last night.
While the so-called metropolitan sophisticates in Auckland and Wellington may scoff at the small town feel and content of Timaru's police notebook. I for one take some pride in the fact that the people of my old home town care enough to report and read such misdemeaners.
Perhaps if those scoffers in the big cities took more time to worry about the petty crime in the neighbourhoods and suburbs of their towns the current list of notorius and multiple killers in this country might be just that much shorter!
If they say it takes a village to raise a child - then perhaps it takes a city or town to stop a murderer!
Every day there seems to be another report of a vicious, unprovoked murder or similar, senseless heinous act somewhere in the country. Yet while some people do express outrage, the vast majority of us appear to shrug our collective shoulders and carry on - apparently accepting this as a normal part of everyday life in New Zealand.
Just this week we have seen the murder of young Christchurch mother and the court case up north where a 15 year-old boy is on trial for murdering a 15-year old girl. Over the last few years, the likes of Graham Burton, William Bell, Antoine Dixon and Clayton Weatherston have gained infamy and notoriety as callous, ruthless killers. Yet, they are just four names from a long and depressing list of murderers who fill our prisons up and down the country.
We may tut-tut and feign mock disgust with our neighbours and friends at how these scumbags could do such horrible things.
While for all intense purposes most of New Zealand has become so accustomed to horrific crime that we are no longer shockable. Yet while this appears to be the case in our bigger cities, not is all lost.
It is nice to know that in some parts of New Zealand petty crime is seen as so unacceptable that it makes the local paper. I was scanning the internet the other day and came across the online version of my old hometown newspaper the Timaru Herald. I was somewhat amused by, but also heartened to see, the paper had printed a police notebook with incidents reported to police in Timaru during the weekend of 12 - 14 February 2010. Some of these included:
Friday 12
- A 16-year-old Timaru girl has been referred to Youth Aid after allegedly stealing a set of false eyelashes from Farmers in Stafford St.
- A 33-year-old Timaru man was arrested for breaching the liquor ban on Stafford St.
- A 30-year-old Timaru man was arrested for assault outside a drinking establishment in town after accosting a bouncer.
Saturday
- A 38-year-old Timaru man was arrested for intoxication outside a property on Angland Ave. He may also face possible possession of cannabis charges.
- Police are making inquiries after two men were spotted trying to steal a licence plate from a car.
- There was a burglary in Sefton St, with a guitar worth $3500 stolen.
Sunday
- A 20-year-old Timaru man was arrested for offensive behaviour.
- A vehicle parked in Harper St was damaged overnight.
- A 13-year-old Timaru boy was referred to Youth Aid after a shoplifting incident last night.
While the so-called metropolitan sophisticates in Auckland and Wellington may scoff at the small town feel and content of Timaru's police notebook. I for one take some pride in the fact that the people of my old home town care enough to report and read such misdemeaners.
Perhaps if those scoffers in the big cities took more time to worry about the petty crime in the neighbourhoods and suburbs of their towns the current list of notorius and multiple killers in this country might be just that much shorter!
If they say it takes a village to raise a child - then perhaps it takes a city or town to stop a murderer!
Ali's closet opening fair game
Nobody asked me, but... I think it was a fair enough of the Herald on Sunday to recently out TV presenter Alison Mau
There is no doubt it's a cruel, cruel world when a good looking chick like Alison Mau(pronounced Moore)is outed as gay. Officially she has not said anything yet. However, the fact that photos of her and her girlfriend and news about their relationship were splashed across the front of the Sunday papers last week and Mau's deafening silence about the revelations - means the closet door has been kicked wide open on this one.
Like most red blooded males, my initial reaction to this earth-shattering news was: What an utter waste! Despite the claims by the management that Ms Mau is not attractive, I along with probably the entire male population of the country would beg to differ. There is little doubt her blond bombshell looks and long limbs make her an attractive proposition to most blokes and the thought of her batting for the other team such a pity.
Ordinarily, no matter how regrettable I may think Mau's change of lifestyle may be, it is would be her choice and none of mine or any other of the people's - or the media's - business. However, while this may be so if Ali was plain old Joanne Public, or had never discussed her love life and family in gossip magazines previously - this is not so in her case
Alison Mau - along with her former TV news reading partner and husband of 13 years Simon Dallow - over the years have happily trotted out their story and family numerous times for the cash offered by the women's magazines. The couple - unkindly referred to as the Ken and Barbie of TV news (ie shallow and plastic) have also dined out on and used their celebrity to be seen at all the right parties and cocktail functions.
So in my opinion, it is somewhat hypocritical to complain now about the intrusiveness of the media. People cannot court the media when it suits them and then demand privacy later on. It is a classic case of being hoisted by your own petard.
Apparently the gossip columnists have long been hinting at someone in the media being in a lesbian relationship. But I doubt anyone would have picked Alison Mau.
Poor old Ken, ditched by his wife who is now with another woman. That has got to hurt!But then again, I always thought he was possibly the most boring man on the planet anyway.
Sorry Ali, like it or not this is a fair enough story for the media to latch on to. When was the last time in New Zealand there was a high profile, beautiful woman outed as lesbian?
Not only that, but you have happily posed for the rags in the past when it suited. S you have to take the good with the bad.
It will be all over soon enough. Either when the reef fish in the media get bored with your new, trendy lesbian lifestyle or some other so-called celebrity does something they deem more newsworthy.
There is no doubt it's a cruel, cruel world when a good looking chick like Alison Mau(pronounced Moore)is outed as gay. Officially she has not said anything yet. However, the fact that photos of her and her girlfriend and news about their relationship were splashed across the front of the Sunday papers last week and Mau's deafening silence about the revelations - means the closet door has been kicked wide open on this one.
Like most red blooded males, my initial reaction to this earth-shattering news was: What an utter waste! Despite the claims by the management that Ms Mau is not attractive, I along with probably the entire male population of the country would beg to differ. There is little doubt her blond bombshell looks and long limbs make her an attractive proposition to most blokes and the thought of her batting for the other team such a pity.
Ordinarily, no matter how regrettable I may think Mau's change of lifestyle may be, it is would be her choice and none of mine or any other of the people's - or the media's - business. However, while this may be so if Ali was plain old Joanne Public, or had never discussed her love life and family in gossip magazines previously - this is not so in her case
Alison Mau - along with her former TV news reading partner and husband of 13 years Simon Dallow - over the years have happily trotted out their story and family numerous times for the cash offered by the women's magazines. The couple - unkindly referred to as the Ken and Barbie of TV news (ie shallow and plastic) have also dined out on and used their celebrity to be seen at all the right parties and cocktail functions.
So in my opinion, it is somewhat hypocritical to complain now about the intrusiveness of the media. People cannot court the media when it suits them and then demand privacy later on. It is a classic case of being hoisted by your own petard.
Apparently the gossip columnists have long been hinting at someone in the media being in a lesbian relationship. But I doubt anyone would have picked Alison Mau.
Poor old Ken, ditched by his wife who is now with another woman. That has got to hurt!But then again, I always thought he was possibly the most boring man on the planet anyway.
Sorry Ali, like it or not this is a fair enough story for the media to latch on to. When was the last time in New Zealand there was a high profile, beautiful woman outed as lesbian?
Not only that, but you have happily posed for the rags in the past when it suited. S you have to take the good with the bad.
It will be all over soon enough. Either when the reef fish in the media get bored with your new, trendy lesbian lifestyle or some other so-called celebrity does something they deem more newsworthy.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
The good, the bad and the downright ugly!
Nobody asked mey, but ... I caught a glimpse of Manchester United striker Wayne Rooney on the TV the other night and was overcome at what an ugly bugger he really is.
With those sticky out, jug ears, balding head and a face only his mother could love; only confirms the fact that young Wayne was at the very back of the queue when the big fella was dishing out good looks. There is no doubt he is a gifted footballer, but I am sure his uncanny ability to score goals has no doubt helped with his ability to score such a good looking wife as well.
I am convinced that if he was just a factory worker, office wallah or Nigel Nobody his sheer unattractiveness would mean that in the real world the only thing he could pull - apart from himself - would be kind of wife my mother euphemistically labels as a rather 'plain' girl. However, I've seen Rooney's wife and she is far from plain. In fact, she is rather tasty which does not seem right with him being so untasty. The only consolation I take from this injustice is that Mrs Rooney does appear to be rather stupid - which I am sure her husband is as well.
I know that is a terribly shallow thing to be blogging about. But I'm the first to admit that when it comes to good looking woman - I am about as deep as a puddle. I like good looking women and I am fascinated at how less than good looking men attract them.
If I am honest. This is probably just as much about envy - because as a very, average looking guy I have never been overwhelmed by attractive female attention. (I have to say,I am still amazed how I managed to attract such a good looking wife-to-be!But as they say - I am not complaining!)
Speaking of ugly footballers and the the good looking woman they attract - what about John Terry? Now the former captain of England - who recently lost his arm band because he was caught shagging the ex-model, girlfriend of a team mate - is no oil painting either. However, despite his physical shortcomings he still manages to attract what the Poms like to describe as top-notch Totty.
The question is how come Terry and Rooney are not married to a couple of Cessna's(you know; a little plane) girls rather than the Lear jets they seem to have dripping off them?
Yet this phenomena of ugly men attracting good looking woman is not just confined to the ranks of English soccer stars and their WAGs. It is rampant in the business world too. An excellent example example of this can be summed in two simple words : Donald Trump! He is one ugly bastard, but has never been short of a good looking female. Hugh Hefner would be another example - plus he is really old which makes it creepy with him hanging around with 20-something blond bombshells.
In New Zealand, we see a guy like All Black Ali Williams - who is below average looking on a good day - trotting out with quite a good looking girl. Even the decidedly unattractive Ron Brierly was always seen with a lovely thing on his arm.
So what is it that all these buggers have that can attract good looking women? We can safely deduce it is not their looks, so what could it be?
One word - money! It is is the only common factor all these ugos have in common.
Someone once said that all women were whores and only the price they charged varied. A rather cynical view one may think, but in the case of these female companions it looks more like the ugly truth!
With those sticky out, jug ears, balding head and a face only his mother could love; only confirms the fact that young Wayne was at the very back of the queue when the big fella was dishing out good looks. There is no doubt he is a gifted footballer, but I am sure his uncanny ability to score goals has no doubt helped with his ability to score such a good looking wife as well.
I am convinced that if he was just a factory worker, office wallah or Nigel Nobody his sheer unattractiveness would mean that in the real world the only thing he could pull - apart from himself - would be kind of wife my mother euphemistically labels as a rather 'plain' girl. However, I've seen Rooney's wife and she is far from plain. In fact, she is rather tasty which does not seem right with him being so untasty. The only consolation I take from this injustice is that Mrs Rooney does appear to be rather stupid - which I am sure her husband is as well.
I know that is a terribly shallow thing to be blogging about. But I'm the first to admit that when it comes to good looking woman - I am about as deep as a puddle. I like good looking women and I am fascinated at how less than good looking men attract them.
If I am honest. This is probably just as much about envy - because as a very, average looking guy I have never been overwhelmed by attractive female attention. (I have to say,I am still amazed how I managed to attract such a good looking wife-to-be!But as they say - I am not complaining!)
Speaking of ugly footballers and the the good looking woman they attract - what about John Terry? Now the former captain of England - who recently lost his arm band because he was caught shagging the ex-model, girlfriend of a team mate - is no oil painting either. However, despite his physical shortcomings he still manages to attract what the Poms like to describe as top-notch Totty.
The question is how come Terry and Rooney are not married to a couple of Cessna's(you know; a little plane) girls rather than the Lear jets they seem to have dripping off them?
Yet this phenomena of ugly men attracting good looking woman is not just confined to the ranks of English soccer stars and their WAGs. It is rampant in the business world too. An excellent example example of this can be summed in two simple words : Donald Trump! He is one ugly bastard, but has never been short of a good looking female. Hugh Hefner would be another example - plus he is really old which makes it creepy with him hanging around with 20-something blond bombshells.
In New Zealand, we see a guy like All Black Ali Williams - who is below average looking on a good day - trotting out with quite a good looking girl. Even the decidedly unattractive Ron Brierly was always seen with a lovely thing on his arm.
So what is it that all these buggers have that can attract good looking women? We can safely deduce it is not their looks, so what could it be?
One word - money! It is is the only common factor all these ugos have in common.
Someone once said that all women were whores and only the price they charged varied. A rather cynical view one may think, but in the case of these female companions it looks more like the ugly truth!
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
A bit of humour
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.
Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25 percent next January from 72 to only 60.
The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B..O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.
General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth."
Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?"
Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace.
Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good, fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden.
Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like that........it's too much to swallow".
Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will lay down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.
Spokespersons in the North East of England, Swindon, North Kent and the entire Australian continent stated that this would not affect their operations as:
"there are no virgins in these areas, anyway".
(While this is a bit of a joke, you only have to replace the organisation 'BOOM' in the above for either the EPMU or NZEI - and 'Al Queda' for the Employers Federation or the Government and the general tenor of the story is the same. Very scary!!)
Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25 percent next January from 72 to only 60.
The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B..O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.
General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth."
Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?"
Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace.
Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good, fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden.
Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like that........it's too much to swallow".
Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will lay down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.
Spokespersons in the North East of England, Swindon, North Kent and the entire Australian continent stated that this would not affect their operations as:
"there are no virgins in these areas, anyway".
(While this is a bit of a joke, you only have to replace the organisation 'BOOM' in the above for either the EPMU or NZEI - and 'Al Queda' for the Employers Federation or the Government and the general tenor of the story is the same. Very scary!!)
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