Darren (W)Hughes?

We have all witnessed the death of the political career [click on the headline to get the background to all the soiled (in more ways than one) details of this story] of Parliament’s resident ginga; aka the son Helen Clark never wanted; aka Judy Keall’s former typist; aka the former member for Sodom Darren Hughes.
One does not want to be too uncharitable at a time like this – but what the hell. After all Hughes is a Labourite, a geek, a ginga and was previously a closet queer in a party with more fruits than your average tropical orchard. So what excuses or explanations might have the former bright spark of the Labour Party come up with to explain his rather awkward predicament?
Here are a couple of possibilities that Phil Goff could have thrown out to the media to get them off Dazza’s scent:
- The young man in question was out drinking and met up with Dazza. He went home to the house Dazza shares with Aunty Annette, where innocently and totally naked he went looking for the toilet. Unable to locate it inside the unfamiliar house, the young man in question popped out to use the garden, but the door closed (locking itself) and no amount of knocking could wake up Dazza and Aunty Annette inside. The young man then ran down the street yelling and screaming where he luckily ran into a police car who took him safely home.
- The young man in question was out drinking and met up with Dazza. He went home to the house Dazza shares with Aunty Annette, where they engaged in some horizontal bungee jumping with the ginga ninja. However, awakening from his drunken stupor the young man in question was not too proud of his actions - who would bagging a ginga – and decided to sneak out and go home. Unfortunately, for him Dazza was sleeping on his clothes and the young man decided it was best to do a bunk without said clothes than risk waking the sleeping unbeauty. The young man then ran down the street yelling and screaming where he luckily ran into a police car who took him safely home.
- The young man in question was out drinking and met up with Dazza’s evil twin. Evil Dazza took the young man back to Aunty Annette’s and had his wicked way with him.
- The young man in question was helping Dazza research Labour’s new policy on alcohol-induced, teenage sex.
Far-fetched maybe, but these are all about as plausible as the excuses Goff first offered to the media – when this story first broke – before accepting Hughes’ inevitable resignation.
While Hughes’ actions have put a much different spin on the parliamentary saying of a member withdrawing and apologising, it will at least give him a chance to finally find out (W)Hugh(es) Darren really is!

Enough said!

As Mr Mackey – the school counsellor from South Park – is wont to say: “Drugs are bad!”
One only has to read a recent article from the Timaru Herald [click on headline] about protests over legal cannabis use to realise the much-maligned Mr Mackey has a good point. And by just looking at the calibre of the dropouts, losers and proponents of the ‘legalise marijuana movement’ who made up the ‘supporters’ of the man facing jail over cannabis charges protesting outside the Timaru Courthouse they could be used to make up an anti-drug advertisement .
Apparently, Peter John Frances Davy, 51, is threatening to go on a hunger strike if he is jailed for possession of cannabis, cultivating cannabis, importing cannabis seed and unlicensed possession of a rifle. In a protest against "the persecution of New Zealand's medical cannabis users", Davy told the newspaper he would go on a hunger strike and would not take his cancer medicines.
While the more sanguine of us amongst the general population probably feel Mr Davy’s demise and removal from the human gene pool would be no bad thing. However, not so according to the good people of – the inappropriately named protest group – NORML (National Organisation for the Reform of Marijuana Law). [What could possibly be ‘normal’ about a bunch of unemployed, old-aged, smelly hippies hanging on to the outdated philosophies of the 1960s of drugs for everyone in the year 2011? But hey, it is not their fault – they have smoked far too much dope to make any sense.]
Anyway, according to spokesman Dakta Green, who founded The Daktory – which promotes the medical use of cannabis (and is living proof of the danger cannabis actually is to logical human thought processes) – supporters left Auckland last Friday and arrived in Timaru to stage an overnight protest outside the local courthouse. Some 15 or so bludgers supporters had come from as far afield as Auckland, Waihi, Wellington and Dunedin. (Unsurprisingly – for a bunch of useless, dope smokers – their day-long protest wound up about 2 pm!)
"When we heard of Pete's plight, it wasn't too hard to say `let's go down and support him'," Green said. "We find it obnoxious and obscene for a medical user of cannabis to be treated as a criminal."
Perhaps Mr Green and his reality-dodging friends might be surprised to learn that 90 per cent of the country’s population find it ‘obnoxious and obscene’ that a bunch of pot-smoking, moochers can bludge off the rest us, while they travel all over the country advocating
Davy admitted the charges in February and was due to be sentenced yesterday in Timaru District Court, but the case was adjourned to April 20 so that his newly appointed counsel could receive disclosure.
Green said the group hoped a judge would see reason and not incarcerate Davy.
On this count I agree with Green. It would be far better for Davy to go through with is hunger protest and let nature take its course.
This would save taxpayers on numerous fronts. Paying a sickness benefit, hospital bills and prison costs for such a hopeless case and ridding the country of a remnant of a bygone era that falsely believed that marijuana was a harmless drug that does not damage to society!

Stop making a right Charlie of yourself, Charlie!

It is really hard to do good satire, when real life is far funnier.
However, the recent on-going, public spat between TV comedy ‘Two and a Half Men’ producer Chuck Lorre and its main star – the clearly former, recovering alcoholic and addict - Charlie Sheen has been like watching two drunken women jelly wrestling. You know it is wrong, but you cannot avert your eyes away from the awful spectacle.
It is hard to accurately predict what Sheen’s drug-addled mind has been exactly trying to achieve with his endless round of media interviews. However, all it has really proven – to everyone, but himself, that is – is the former lead actor of the show is the walking, but barely comprehensible talking, embodiment of all those public health warnings of why people should not do drugs!
Here is a selection of some of the more choice quotes from Sheen:
1. "Can't is the cancer of happen."
2. "I'm not bipolar, I'm bi-winning. I win here and I win there."
3. "Clearly I have defeated this earthworm [Two and a Half Men producer Chuck Lorre] with my words - imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists.''
4. ''The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards just look like droopy-eyed armless children.''
5. "I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body."
6. "I probably took more [drugs] than anybody could survive ... I was bangin' seven-gram rocks and finishing them because that's how I roll, because I have one speed, one gear ... I'm different.''
8. "I closed my eyes and made it so with the power of my mind, and unlearned 22 years of fiction ... the fiction of AA. It's a silly book written by a broken-down fool."
9. "I have a different constitution, I have a different brain, and I have a different heart. I got tiger blood, man. Dying's for fools, dying's for amateurs."
10. "My fangs are dripping tiger blood."
11. "My brain ... fires in a way that is ... I don't know, maybe not from this particular terrestrial realm."
12. "Women are not to be hit. They're to be hugged and caressed.''
13. "[Porn stars are] the best at what they do and I'm the best at what I do. And together it's like, it's on. Sorry, Middle America. Yeah, I said it."
14. "I'm tired of pretending I'm not a total bitchin' rock star from Mars."
15. "People can't figure me out, they can't process me, and I don't expect them to. You can't process me with the normal brain."
Who could actually make this shit up? Unless you are a totally coke-fried, alcoholic, porn addicted, narcissist with a personality disorder
Now while Sheen may well think he’s ‘a total bitchin rock star’ – and the few remaining brain cells he has left – probably actually believes it.
However, if he does – by some miracle – ever get sober again, the best way to prevent him making a right Charlie of himself in the future would be to first put down the coke, step away from the hookers, and leave the bourbon in the bottle and then watch a few of these interviews.
I swear, you will never drink or dug again!