It is really hard to do good satire, when real life is far funnier.
However, the recent on-going, public spat between TV comedy ‘Two and a Half Men’ producer Chuck Lorre and its main star – the clearly former, recovering alcoholic and addict - Charlie Sheen has been like watching two drunken women jelly wrestling. You know it is wrong, but you cannot avert your eyes away from the awful spectacle.
It is hard to accurately predict what Sheen’s drug-addled mind has been exactly trying to achieve with his endless round of media interviews. However, all it has really proven – to everyone, but himself, that is – is the former lead actor of the show is the walking, but barely comprehensible talking, embodiment of all those public health warnings of why people should not do drugs!
Here is a selection of some of the more choice quotes from Sheen:
1. "Can't is the cancer of happen."
2. "I'm not bipolar, I'm bi-winning. I win here and I win there."
3. "Clearly I have defeated this earthworm [Two and a Half Men producer Chuck Lorre] with my words - imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists.''
4. ''The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards just look like droopy-eyed armless children.''
5. "I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body."
6. "I probably took more [drugs] than anybody could survive ... I was bangin' seven-gram rocks and finishing them because that's how I roll, because I have one speed, one gear ... I'm different.''
8. "I closed my eyes and made it so with the power of my mind, and unlearned 22 years of fiction ... the fiction of AA. It's a silly book written by a broken-down fool."
9. "I have a different constitution, I have a different brain, and I have a different heart. I got tiger blood, man. Dying's for fools, dying's for amateurs."
10. "My fangs are dripping tiger blood."
11. "My brain ... fires in a way that is ... I don't know, maybe not from this particular terrestrial realm."
12. "Women are not to be hit. They're to be hugged and caressed.''
13. "[Porn stars are] the best at what they do and I'm the best at what I do. And together it's like, it's on. Sorry, Middle America. Yeah, I said it."
14. "I'm tired of pretending I'm not a total bitchin' rock star from Mars."
15. "People can't figure me out, they can't process me, and I don't expect them to. You can't process me with the normal brain."
Who could actually make this shit up? Unless you are a totally coke-fried, alcoholic, porn addicted, narcissist with a personality disorder
Now while Sheen may well think he’s ‘a total bitchin rock star’ – and the few remaining brain cells he has left – probably actually believes it.
However, if he does – by some miracle – ever get sober again, the best way to prevent him making a right Charlie of himself in the future would be to first put down the coke, step away from the hookers, and leave the bourbon in the bottle and then watch a few of these interviews.
I swear, you will never drink or dug again!
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