On the road to nowhere

Phil Goff, the Mt Roskill MP – who was a member of the 1984-90 fourth Labour Government, a high-ranking Minister in the Helen Clark administration from 1999-2008 and purported to have been Leader of the Opposition since November 2008 – has been reported missing.
A Labour party spokesperson said Goff, 56, was last seen around Parliament some time ago – “but nobody really remembers or cares”.
Just like the invisible man, Goff has not registered on any political polls since taking over as Labour’s leader. Last reports had him with a minuscule 8 % rating - a whopping 40-plus percentage points behind Prime Minister John Key.
Goff’s vanishing poll fortunes have him on a par with his former dear leader Helen Clark – who actually disappeared off the NZ politic scene over a year ago. Ms Clark is believed to be now running both the world and the Labour Party from the UN’s headquarters in New York.
The New Zealand Labour Party said Goff had been due to make an impact on the polls since early last year, but so far had failed to make even the slightest dent.
However, a party spokesperson rather forlornly added: “Our focus group reports claim that Phil is a warm, friendly guy who interacts well with the public. Labour is confident that if he does come out of hiding, people will stop ignoring him and begin to take him seriously soon.”
But that perception is not reality in the eyes of most voters. Fifteen months into his reign, John Key and National continue to enjoy overwhelming support from New Zealanders.
One recent poll has National on 54%, with Labour 20 points behind on 34%. Another has Labour at 29 - 27 points behind National which sits on 56.
However, the ubiquitous Labour spokesperson dismissed all polls unfavourable to Goff and Labour as rogue.
Instead , the ambiguously, non-gender specific Labour spokesperson, blamed a plot between the National Party and Telecom, and the teleco’s beleaguered XT Network for both Labour’s and Mr Goff’s disappearance from New Zealand political landscape.
“Telecom has deliberately and regularly crashed their XT network to prevent both Labour supporters and our research unit from registering support for Phil in any polls conducted since before the last election and until eternity.”
Meanwhile, Phil Goff, it seems has picked up the Telecom network's disease and completely vanished. Goff’s wife Mary told reporters she received a note from her husband on February 28, which had caused her to grow concerned about his whereabouts.
Reports claiming that Mr Goff was seen boarding a bus in Auckland recently. It was meant to be heading to Dunedin on a Labour Party-inspired anti-GST increase campaign. However, with Goff’s reluctance to rule out dropping any proposed rise in GST if elected, it is thought the bus journey - described as being on the road to nowhere - is likely to carry the struggling leader fo the opposition further into political oblivion.
"He sounded despondent," Mary told reporters, adding, "It is just like him trying to talk with punters, nobody really cares what Phil thinks."
Supposed friends and colleagues of Goff, including MP Shane Jones and Labour Party President Andrew Little, have taken to Twitter asking anyone with knowledge of his whereabouts to post tweets at #philgoffismissingbutnoonecares.
“We need to find Phil so I can stab him in the back and replace him as leader as soon as possible,” a smiling Jones said.
“Not so fast Jonesy,” Little added. “I have designs on the job too and intend stepping on Phil’s dead political corpse to get the leadership as well.”
However, political pundits say Goff is Labour's best chance of winning the next election – which is less than zilch!
Updates on Phil Goff’s possible whereabouts and information about his likely return can be found at: www.whogivesatoss.co.nz